Firsts
by Condemned Ballad
Summary: “I’m sure I understand a lot more than you, Cadet. You are a cheater.” Set during and after the 2009 movie.


The first time Spock saw Cadet James T. Kirk was through the pane of glass separating the observers and the takers of the Kobayashi Maru test. A skinny kid, lounging about in the captain's chair, adolescent and cocky. Completely and infuriatingly relaxed. From his vantage point, the Vulcan could see only the back of the boy's head, and the shock of spiky, not-quite-brown hair.

Yet, despite this lack of personal contact…

"How the hell did that kid beat your test?"

Dislike- irrational and unwanted- swept through Spock before he could stop it.

"I… don't know."

The first time Spock spoke to James T. Kirk was during the cadet's hearing. The boy glared at him from across the space separating them.

Spock stared coolly back. The cadet would have to learn a respect for authority some day.

"The purpose of the test is to understand fear."

"Oh? And you'd _understand_ what fear feels like, would you?"

Spock felt his annoyance rising, but his face remained clear.

"I'm sure I understand a lot more than you, Cadet. You are a cheater."

Then a message, and a dispersion. Spock tucked his irritation away and settled into the role of an officer. It wasn't as if he'd be seeing the obnoxious cadet once they went off world.

The first time Spock interacted with James T. Kirk was in the chaos shortly following Captain Pike's decision to enter the enemy ship.

"Kirk, you're first officer."

Spock was, needless to say, shocked.

"Captain, I'm inexperienced in the subtleties of human pranks-"

"It's no joke, Spock. And I'm not Captain. You are."

That's not what I _meant_, Spock wanted to say. Why is a stowaway _cadet_ my first officer?

The first time Spock touched James T. Kirk was after the destruction of Vulcan.

And it was… gone.

And his mother was… gone.

And that stupid, insubordinate, insolent cadet- no, that stupid, insubordinate, insolent _human_- was _still_ on board his ship.

Why wasn't _he _gone?

Why…?

"You _never_ loved her."

"_No!_"

He lost control. Almost committed murder. Lost control of his emotions…

And what had that been, when he struck the other man? The contact had- he'd gone into a frenzy. Lost his individual consciousness, felt himself the same as the one beneath him- as if he, too, were on the control panel, feeling the blows and the choking, grasping hands at his throat.

They had been one, and it had driven him mad.

Emotionally compromised.

I have been emotionally compromised.

Spock entered his own quarters, and slammed his fist against the wall, finally letting tears pour down his face. Hot, angry, terrified, and-

_Why._

The first time Spock worked with James T. Kirk was when they rescued Pike and brought down the _Nerada_.

"Looks like we're beginning to understand one another." Kirk slapped his arm.

And Spock kissed Nyota.

There was fire, then shouts. The _Nerada_ was had vast, demonic interior, green and heavy feeling. Sinister shapes in black ran towards the two from the shadows. The gloom was rent by shots, and the pair of them dived to either side.

"_Go-go-go-go-go_!" screamed Kirk, dodging phaser blasts and dashing behind a nameless object in the darkness. Chaos reigned, but…

"I'll cover you."

Kirk covered him.

And Spock ran.

The first time Spock smiled at James T. Kirk was five minutes before the _Enterprise's _departure from Earth's orbit.

"If you want, I can provide you with character references."

Spock watched Kirk's face closely. _He knows about the other me_, he thought_, I know he does._

"No references will be necessary. Welcome aboard, Mr. Spock." There was a faint glint in Kirk's eyes, and he smiled.

Without thinking, Spock returned it.

The first time Spock respected James T. Kirk was after they outmaneuvered a Klingon warship in deep space. Any help they could have called for was too far off, their right thruster was gone (gone, it was _gone_, without it _they'd_ have been gone), and they were spinning helplessly towards an asteroid field.

Chaos, chaos, chaos was reigning, with Sulu swearing loudly and frantically in Japanese and Uhura desperately concocting what she probably new were hopeless treatises of surrender for the Klingons.

And Kirk had…

…ordered Scotty to dim the engines, so that their heat signature was below detection, and ordered a complete lock down.

They'd escaped.

Kirk shot Spock a sideways glance when they were well underway again.

"Not bad for the kid who cheated on his examination, huh."

And Spock was impressed.

The first time Spock looked at James T. Kirk, really _looked_, was during one of their now customary games of three-dimensional chess.

"Check."

"Check _mate_," said Kirk, moving his bishop into place.

Spock folded his arms. "You cheated."

"I did _not,_" said Kirk, laughing merrily.

Spock watched the line of Kirk's neck as the cabin's lighting outlined it, gently. Smooth, smooth. Spock wondered how smooth. Somehow, the captain had managed to maintain a tan without seeing real daylight for two weeks…

Spock shook himself from his reverie and noticed Kirk was watching him.

Spock coughed, "I should be going then, sir."

"Right. See you tomorrow, then."

Spock left, again feeling the other man's eyes intent on his back as he left.

The first time Spock dreamed about James T. Kirk was a nightmare.

He'd had nightmares all that night.

His mother, dead, yet still beckoning and smiling. A look of welcome mantled her rotting face, while maggots consumed it. Vulcan, disintegrating into nothing, interstellar dust lost after eons.

But this…

James T. Kirk, flashing a trademark smirk that didn't reach his eyes, staggering drunkenly through a thick, gray mist.

Spock reached out to him, but his hand passed through.

"I'm done. I'm done. I _can't_…"

_What?_ Spock wanted to ask? _What are you done with? What can't you do?_ But his mouth was glued shut.

Kirk's eyes were empty and dilated. He fell to his knees, the grin growing lopsided. "Done, done, done…"

_Why?_

Kirk pulled his phaser from his pocket, sweating, pale and still grinning sickly. He looked straight at Spock. "It's a no win scenario…"

He placed the gun underneath his chin and pulled the trigger. Spock knew he was asleep _wake up oh god wake up_ but the scream… The smell of burning flesh…

Spock was powerless, and he watched as Kirk fell to the ground, eyes staring emptily at nothing.

_Why?_

The first time Spock kissed James T. Kirk…

They were alone, in the corridor outside the captain's quarters. Spock had walked back with Kirk, discussing the ship, the crew, anything he could think of, so he could stay with the captain one second longer. _because the dreams, they were so real, he couldn't let the captain alone…_

Even though he knew they were just anxiety.

Anxiety dreams.

_Why anxiety? What right do I have to feel anxiety for him?_

What right did he have to feel anything for him?

"Something the matter?" asked Kirk, and Spock looked up to see his captain yet again studying him closely.

"No, sir. Nothing's the matter."

They stood in silence for a full minute, before Kirk turned around and unlocked his door. "Very well, then. I'll be going to bed, I guess. See you tom-"

"Wait."

Kirk turned.

"Yes, Mr. Spock?"

They were alone in the doorway, no one else lived on this corridor…

Spock leaned forward, and ever so gently placed his lips on Kirk's.

It was short, a short kiss, not sweet, not hard, not fast, just… a kiss. But the sheer weight of what it meant, what it could _mean_, stood before them both as they broke apart.

Spock and James T. Kirk looked at one another carefully.

"How long?"

"A while."

Spock made up his mind.

He opened the door into the other man's quarters, and gently pulled his crewmate, his companion, his captain, his best friend… into the darkness beyond.


End file.
